Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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