I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
