Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
