My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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