Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
