Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
