The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize