So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
