And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
