Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She even gives head with a lisp.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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