I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
