Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
