If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
