dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
