Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
