if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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