Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
