It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize