and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
