you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
