The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
