I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
