yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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