New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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