last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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