Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
