No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
