You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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