Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize