You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
