Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
