All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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