Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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