i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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