she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
