i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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