The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
