Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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