look no pants
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
