my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
