In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
