my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
that's an acceptable place to lick
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
