god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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