I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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