im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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