Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
