I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
