I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
