you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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