im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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