D3 body, D1 cock
Say something about gay babies.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
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