this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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