So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
