sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
