i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
