You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
