How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
