If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
