If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
