I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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