Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
