you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
