i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
