Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize