i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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