Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
