The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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