I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
